Welcome to the Living with Empathy Podcast: a podcast that gets us thinking about how we feel towards ourselves and others. I’m your host, Miriam Otero.

Hello dear listeners and welcome back to another episode!

In the last episode we talked about how to make friends as an adult, but how do you keep these friendships up once you’ve made them? After all, friends are the families we choose. Our friends can have an enormous impact on our style, sense of humor, interests, and the way we see the world, but we rarely give much thought to what we need in a friend or what kind of friend we are, until often times it’s too late.

In this episode, we’re going to explore what being a good friend actually looks like for us and outline a few ways you can show up for the people in your life. They’re quite simple, but effective. 

How to be a Good Friend As An Adult

Again, as I’ve stated in previous episodes, some of the qualities you look for in a friend are going to change over time. In your late teens and early 20s, you might want friends who are just down to have a good time. They’re up for having adventures and staying up all night. Maybe they’re people who don’t hold you back from taking chances and allow you to make mistakes without judgement, but will still reign you in when you’ve gone too far. In your 30s, you might still want friends who exhibit those qualities, but also do it all before 10pm because that’s your bedtime now and you need your sleep. 

I have two good friends I made while I was working at my first teaching job in LA and we always joke about how we’re going to have a wild night out, which for us means staying up past 9pm, actually leaving the house, and eating greasy foods. Nothing is more dangerous in your late 20s and mid 30s than eating pizza before bed, let me tell ya!

In any evaluation of friendships, ending of friendships, or the making of a new friendship, we play a pivotal role in the unfolding of it. Take a good look at your life so far. Who do you consider a good friend in your life? What exactly has this person done that has made them a good friend? I want you to try writing this down. Jot down a list of five friends you consider to have the qualities of a great friend and then, write down examples of ways they’ve shown you those qualities. Do you see a trend?

Now, take a look at yourself. Who considers you a good friend? And why do they describe you that way? 

Our tendency is to look at the negative, to look at the ways we’ve been let down in friendships in the past. Let’s try and keep things positive. Many of us can find examples of good friendship somewhere in our lives. 

Part of that definition is formed by what we’re willing to accept from others, what stage we find ourselves in, and what we need to truly feel connected to someone. My own definition of a “good friend” has evolved over time. 

For me, I happen to be in a stage in my life where I’ve taken my life down to the bare essentials in every aspect. After getting rid of my personal social media accounts, I realized how easy it is to fall into the trap of using social media as our only means for connection. We’re no longer comfortable with the idea of losing touch with people. For me, these small one on one reunions have been a source of pure joy, especially since getting rid of my accounts. I’m not suggesting people get rid of them; it works for me because I realized I thrive in the land of simplicity. 

I’m in a place in my life where I’d rather have a smaller group of friends, those whose friendships energized me. I also asked myself why? Why do I always walk away from my time with these people with a sense of happiness? These are friendships that were built on compassion, understanding, and curiosity. I call these coffee shop friendships because much like a coffee shop, I can spend hours with them just completely relaxed and present. Just one day with those friends can leave me feeling full for months, so a few quality catch ups with them per month go a long way.

I always try to paint a complete picture and it’s obvious that in any effort to simplify your life, it usually means that some people will fall away. The three types of friendships that I’ve slowly backed away from are superficial ones, angry ones, and complaining ones. 

While I was going through a rough time a few years ago, those friendships just naturally went on a sort of hiatus because of how much energy I had to put into them, energy which I just didn’t have. 

When I got better, I evaluated what was adding to my life and what was taking away. I started this podcast by saying that I’m an empath and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more sensitive to other people’s energy. Superficial friendships built on experiences we had years ago, like a job or a class, fell away. With the others, I started setting clearer boundaries than what we had before. 

In my case, I remembered something that Oprah said once in an interview that changed my perspective on how I approach people. 

She said, “I had to do a clearing in my life of people whose energy, I realized, was not supportive of who I wanted to be in the world. And I realized that there are people who are not going to take responsibility for their energy, so I now have to take responsibility for the energy that I allow to be brought into my space. What I know is that you cannot continue to move forward in your life to the level [...] that you need to be, if you’re surrounded by energy that brings you down, that sucks the life force from you. [...]”

As I mentioned in the evaluating friendships episode, there will be times when some friendships need to take a backseat. We’re all going through things in our own way and in our own time. I don’t judge people when they are angry or they are complaining, but it’s not my job to change that. 

During that rough time in my life, I came to realize that throughout my life, I have a tendency to attract people into it who want me to save them and do the work for them. For many years, I did because that’s the programming I was living under. That’s not the case anymore, so those friendships have taken a step back or faded completely. This has allowed me to be a much better friend to those who aren’t just draining me all the time. 

Through the years, I’ve paid attention to what people say makes me a good friend and I’ve written down some things of my own that I feel make others a good friend to me. These seem overly simplistic, but you’d be surprised at how few people do them these days. 

So, without further ado, here are ten ways I go about being a good friend. 

10 Qualities of a good friend

It Should Be Mutually Beneficial

As I mentioned, the best friendships are a two-way street where both friends are equally invested in the relationship and put in similar effort; if you think of it visually, it might look like a pair of scales. One may be a bit heavier than the other at times, but it should never be so imbalanced that it looks like a seesaw with one person on it. We all know that’s no fun.

Be Present

Give your friendship the respect it deserves by being fully present whenever you’re with a friend. With so many things competing for our attention, our friends shouldn’t have to fight for it too. It’s already hard enough as it is to make plans with one another, so show your friends how much you miss them by giving them your full attention when you get together. Which leads me to number three...

Be Curious

Listen & ask questions; it’s as simple as that.Some of my best friends these days are people that know how to engage in conversation and not just a monologue. We all have lots of things going on in our lives, but part of what makes a friendship great is not just dumping all this information on someone and then not giving them a chance to respond to it. 

Have Quality Catch-ups

I have friendships that have lasted over a decade because I’ve learned that they might be terrible at texting or calling, but are the best companions when we meet up. Figure out what works best for both of you and make room for regular quality time. What I learned about these friends is that while they’re really bad at texting back, they’re never on their phone when we’re together and that really means a lot to me. Though we may not get together often, when we do, it’s like no time has passed.

Start Following up

This is one of the simplest things, and yet, so many people forget to do it. How many times have you had a marathon conversation with your friend and they’ve mentioned something important coming up for them? Make a note of that and follow-up. This also goes for following up after your friend was the one to reach out the last time. You never know what someone is going through and how just touching base with them can lift their spirits.

Thinking of You Moments

This goes along with following up. This could be sending them memes, articles, podcasts, book recommendations, or whatever reminds you of them. One of my friends knows I’ve been spending a lot of time learning about Astrology, Tarot, and manifestation and sends me the BEST memes when she comes across them. Even though she’s not super into those things, it shows me she supports my interests. Knowing that my friends thought of me AND reached out always makes the day better.

Being There for Hard Times

We all go through challenging times in our lives and often, our friends are the ones we turn to when we need someone to lean on. While not all of your friends will show up in the same way, make sure you have a few good friends you feel comfortable sharing the more challenging situations with, that will support you along the way. I know when I went through a rough time a couple of years ago, I was getting professional help, but it was so meaningful to have those handful of friends that were checking in on my progress. If there’s a scary appointment coming up that they’re dreading, ask if they need you to come along. If you can’t go, check in on them after. And always look out for them when they’re grieving a loss and show up to the funeral if you have the details.

Celebrate the Good Times

As important as it is to be there during the difficult times, your friends should also be your personal hype team when things are going well. These days, it’s also good to have people who will peel you away from your couch and your streaming service of choice. I love when friends of mine take me out to celebrate the mundane, like paying off debt or turning down a bad job. Whether it’s going out for dinner and drinks or sending a nice card, it’s always nice when your friends are there to celebrate your wins with you too!

Create Traditions with Them

Traditions are a great way to have something meaningful to look forward to year after year. It could also be a ritual of sorts that you do if you see each other infrequently, like doing a hike together or visiting a new diner. I have a friend in Spain that stays up to watch the Oscars every year, so we bet on who will win each category and then add up our results. Whoever loses has to treat the other to breakfast, which usually happens when I visit once a year. 

Have Open Communication

I saved the most important one for last because after all, communication is the foundation on which you build every relationship in your life. Friends don’t know what we’re thinking or what’s going on in our lives, unless we tell them. That also goes for the times things feel off. If your friend doesn’t realize they’re not showing up for you, kindly let them know. Sometimes we’re going to fail at being a good friend. When that’s the case, accept your mistake, apologize, and more importantly, SHOW UP. Like any other relationship, the best friendships are built on trust and communication. Communication and boundaries go hand in hand; people won’t know how to treat you if you don’t let them know and then, enforce the boundaries you’ve set. 

What I’ve just listed here are my non-negotiables in a friendship: what I’ve identified as being the foundational blocks of every solid friendship I’ve had that’s stood the test of time. It’s often the little things that make us love others. 

We’re living in a time where it’s easy to lose touch, despite being so connected. We default to thinking we know everything about each other because of social media and forgo making the time to see each other because of our other priorities. Here’s the thing, loneliness is on the rise all over the world and unless we actively make choices that strengthen the bonds in our life, they’ll break. So, at the end of this episode, go ahead. Reach out to someone you care about. Send them a quick text saying you miss them and follow up with a hang out. You’ll be glad you did.

That’s all for today. Thank you SO MUCH for listening to today’s episode. If you’ve enjoyed the episode and want to come back for more, head over to wherever you listen to podcasts and hit subscribe. And while you're at it, go ahead and rate it or leave a review for others to find it. If you know someone who would like the podcast or this episode in particular, feel free to share with them. Thanks again and I’ll be back next week for another episode! 

Take care!