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Music.

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Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On Our Heads.

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I'm G-Rex with my partner, Dirty Skittles, and our famous guest,

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Regent. Welcome, Regent. Hello.

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Hey, hey. How are you all? I'm so glad to be here and with two of my favorite people.

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So this is just awesome. Thanks for having me. You're welcome. I'm so excited. Yeah.

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I'm having like a little bit of a fangirl moment. I have to tell you.

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Well, honey, have it. I need autographs later and photos are $10 a pop. Love it.

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Is this the same fangirl you had with Viv and Cecile also?

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And you know, I got to make a little money for good shoes too. So send it away.

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I heard you need some new hats and new shoes. I need it all.

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I need a Botox facelift. These rubber bands and duct tape are about to fall

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forward and we're all in trouble.

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We just see one snap and it is like, Bam! Off it goes.

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Oh my God. This is two-way and everything. Yes.

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I am so glad to be able to be here with you today because fear is a subject

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really that weighs on my heart.

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And it's about having really good, deep conversations with people.

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It's about having conversations with our friends and our loved ones and people

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that we work with and people that sometimes we don't,

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we want to have in our lives and they don't always want to have us in our lives.

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And it's about a time to either have those conversations or sometimes even,

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I'm going to tell you, let the conversation go.

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I mean, you have to find that space in your life to say,

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you know, I'm okay with letting the conversation go,

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but I want to focus today on those conversations that we want Those conversations

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that are so good and rich and sometimes not always easy to talk about, you know?

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Yeah. I'm so happy. Like the shit that goes on in our heads literally is all about conversations,

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emotional intelligence, emotional capital that comes into these conversations

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and really the fear that holds us back from having them.

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Right. And just the impact it has on your mental health, holding that shit back. Oh my God. I know.

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The shit that goes on, yes, the shit that goes on in our head.

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So, you know, the stuff that holds us back from conversations,

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I always think about like, what's the other person going to say?

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How are they going to react? Will I lose a friend?

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Am I going to be loved by my family when I have these conversations? All of that.

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And what I find in conversations, conversations, some of those hardest ones

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are sometimes the easiest ones that we don't have and we should have had.

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I read a book about 14 years ago from Susan Scott. It's called Fierce Conversations.

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And if you download that book or you get a paper copy of that book,

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it is one of the most phenomenal books.

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It's a little older. It's been around for a while. But I will tell you, if you haven't read it.

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And if you read it, re-read it again. Mine is tattered and torn and highlighted

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and dog-eared and underlined.

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That's the sign of a good book to me. You know what I'm talking about?

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Just a real good, juicy book. Yeah. This reminds me of when we first started, G-Rex and I would record with

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our friends and our family first. And I think just subconsciously we were doing it because we could be vulnerable

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with those people and not be scared to just kind of be ourselves and dive into something new.

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But what I discovered in that was, surprisingly, these friends that I've had

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for many years, I never had deep conversations with.

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We never talked about life and things that really matter to them and resonate with them as a person.

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And I just thought, that's so interesting because I've known them for years. I love that you say that.

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You know, Fierce Conversations talks about, Susan says in her book,

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that there's mineral rights. And she said, so many conversations are like surface level. We go in with feedback. We go at surface level.

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We are so scared to move past the deeper resonating issues that will go surface.

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And she's like, if you want to go deep. And Susan, I consider Susan a personal friend of mine.

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I've keynoted for her and I've spoke with her personally.

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She's a fun lady. I got to give her some really big kudos.

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But she said, when you mine deep in conversations, mineral rights is what she calls it.

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And you can read about that in the book. But she said, get below the surface.

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And I think like digging down deep, it's in those deeper conversations that,

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like what you just said, really matter. They're not always easy. They're not always ones that we want to have,

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but they're ones that we know that we need to have.

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She calls them Mookitas, that which everyone knows, but no one speaks about.

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It's the elephant in the room, if you will. It's the big, you know, elephant.

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And when you tell people, don't think about the elephant in the room.

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Well, what are you thinking about right now? Right? Elephant. It's that big elephant that's left a turd in your proverbial universe.

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And it's like, are you going to take care of this or not? and

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sometimes we do and sometimes we don't

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my dad used to say that and he's

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no longer here but he would call it we would have conversations of lipstick

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on a pig he said eventually that lipstick

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wears off and you're just stuck with a pig you know and i'm like i'm tired of

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being stuck with all these pigs i don't know what to do with them how many pigs

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can one herd i'm not a shepherd i'm not a farmer i don't want a lot of bacon

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man a lot of bacon it is a lot of bacon and i mean i I love bacon,

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but not like that, you know? It's the turd bacon. Nobody wants it. It's the turd bacon. Nobody wants it.

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Right. And in 2014, I got gifted a book.

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I went to an ATD conference and Fierce Conversations was there and Susan was actually there.

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And ATD is Association of Training and Development, if you don't know what that acronym means.

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And a lot of trainers go to it from around the world.

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And sometimes they have really great classes and sometimes they have some really

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boring stuff. and I saw fierce conversations on the title and I was like,

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boo, I got to sign up for this. It's a bunch of cats scratching.

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Let's see some blood on the wall. I'm thinking WWF wrestling here is going to go on.

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And I walk into this room and I am flabbergasted at just the presentation and what they say.

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I'm going to, well, I'm not going to give Susan's, you know,

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good juice away from what's in the book.

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I want to give her, you know, kudos because she says, while no single conversation

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is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a company, or a relationship,

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or a life, any single conversation can.

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And I think that's the most powerful statement when I think about it.

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I'm like, any single conversation can. I think of sliding door moments. I'm like, very, think of a movie,

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The Matrix, those sliding door moments, whether you get on the train or you

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get off the train and you meet your person that you love in your life and you don't meet them.

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Like, what happens if you don't have the conversation? But what happens if you

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do have the conversation and it turns out really well?

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I mean, those are the phenomenal things. Yeah. It's kind of like how this podcast started, right? It was a conversation.

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It was more about anything else, but it was a conversation.

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And every subsequent conversation we've had since the beginning, I learned so much.

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And I'm so glad that we asked the questions and we let our guests talk and we

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interject like questions that we want to know.

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And I'm a richer person because of it.

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And I have more self-help books than I've ever had in my entire life. Right?

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I'm telling you, this is a great self-help book. It's got some instructional

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design in there that asks you some questions.

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I picked up that book and I took it home. And I was in, at that time,

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that was like 2014, 2015, the years that escaped me.

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I'm a little grayer than I was in my beard and in this hair.

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But I took that book home and I left that class changed.

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I hadn't read her book yet, but I literally left the class changed because they

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gave some tips and tricks and tools. And I was like, damn, this is common sense, right? You know,

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it's common sense to have a good conversation.

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But our common sense gets in our way. I think about many times when I might,

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you know, I shouldn't have salted my baked potato.

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My common sense tells me don't salt it that much or take your fat butt to the gym, Reject.

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Your common sense tells you get your butt to the gym.

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And common sense also tells us to have those conversations and we ignore them.

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You know, I am a PCC coach, which is a professional certified coach with ICF.

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And I never come to these things trying to preach at people.

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I try to talk with people and be an awakener.

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Because just as much as I believe in fears, I also have to live it every day.

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Does that make sense? Like, I mean, I have to drink my own champagne,

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Dr. Pepper coffee, whatever your drink of choice is.

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But it's hard sometimes being a human in the world. It's hard.

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I went home and I took that book home and I'm going to get vulnerable with you.

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I was in a 14 year relationship, probably four years too long in that relationship.

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And though I love this person fanatically before, we hit some bumps and roads in our life.

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They couldn't have come at a more poignant time.

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Let me get my tongue wrapped around my brain there. And I had,

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I went home on that plane and I dog-eared pages,

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I highlighted stuff, I underlined things that could exclamation points between

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things, you know, what you do to a really good juicy book.

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And I got home and I put that book down on the counter. And about two days later,

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I was looking for my book in my house and I couldn't find that book anywhere.

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It was gone, literally gone. The book was gone.

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I found the book later in my bedroom on my nightstand, but it was on my partner's nightstand.

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And I opened it up and all the dog ears were gone.

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All the highlights were gone. All the exclamation points that I put in there were gone from the book.

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And I'm like, God, are you speaking to me? Like, what the hell happened to my book?

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And probably an hour later, I get a text message from the person I was in this

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relationship with and things weren't going so hot.

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Why did you write all in my book and highlight it and dog ear it and do all

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these things to the book? Crazy thing is, he was working for Starbucks and Fierce is out of Seattle,

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Washington. That's where Susan lives. We were reading the same damn book at the same darn time.

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I got his book and he got my book. Is that not crazy?

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So when you think that fate or destiny or divine intervention doesn't occur.

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Sometimes that shit happens. Yeah. And the shit that goes on in our head,

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like I love the title, is the shit that we need to have conversations about.

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And I said, I go, I guess I'm reading the same book that you are.

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He worked at Starbucks. I was working at a company at that time in human capital

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management. We were reading the same damn book.

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So crazy. me to was the fierce conversation that we need to have.

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We had that conversation and though it was really tough and it was hard and

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we talked about things that were probably never fathomable before in 14 years,

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we were both reading that same book. We were saying things like, oh, I hate you. Don't look at me.

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Even when he looked at me, I was like, don't look at me. And he looked at me, I was in the same thing.

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And we were being really ugly with one another because of the fear and the the

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resentment and the animosity, the things that were going on in our relationship.

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But we both decided that we really needed to have this really good, fierce conversation.

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I want to remind you, while no single conversation is guaranteed to change the

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trajectory of a career, a company, a relationship, or a life,

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any single conversation can. And it did.

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That's the power. where we found a way to have a really damn good conversation.

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Our relationship ended, but we

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could have spent two more years in the four years that we shouldn't have.

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And we left instead of saying like, I hate you and I don't like you and get

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out of my face to, this is right for us and I've loved you and I still love

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you and I will always love you.

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And that's what changed the conversation. There were a lot of stuff that happened in between.

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Being let me tell you it wasn't glamorous it was not anything really pretty

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but it wasn't like we threw grenades at each other anymore we really listened

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to what the book had to say and we started really listening to people Susan

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says in her book let silence do the heavy lifting,

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she goes it's the most important part of the conversation in between the words and I was like,

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We should have had this conversation years ago.

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And even when I think about it now, it chokes me up because that's the power

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of really deep and good communication is when you have those.

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And though we're several degrees of separation between us and our lives have

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moved different trajectories in our life,

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those conversations allowed us to get out of the depths of where we were and

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move forward. and was very freeing.

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And so I look at that and I said, God, I wonder if I had all these conversations,

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if I just applied some fierceness to most of the conversations that I was scared

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of having, could it really change?

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Could it change the trajectory? And I'm telling you, from 2014 until 2024 today,

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it has. It's made a huge difference.

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That's awesome. It's emotionally freeing, right? Right. Because it's not just

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work conversations. It's personal conversations.

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It's people at the speedway. Right. It's those conversations.

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And communication is key.

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You know, learning how to open up. And when I finally was able to open up about

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my own shit that I was going through, and as terrified as I was,

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it opened doors for people that they didn't know they could open. Right.

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People reached out to me and thanked me profusely because now they didn't feel

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so alone in their own journey. And it's really like where the podcast stem from is I wanted to share my story,

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but I wanted to share it with my best friend and laugh about it.

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Because, OK, depression is not funny, but we have to laugh at some of the shit.

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Right. Because you're not laughing, you're dying.

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I think also like besides having that conversation with other people,

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like when I'm hearing you talk, I'm also thinking of like the moments in my

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life that changed because I had that conversation.

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But it started i can remember

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like one pivotal moment it started with

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me having a conversation with myself and not

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shying away from the shit that was

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in my head or the things i was afraid to admit to or dive into like i had to

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sit there with myself and be like okay i have to acknowledge what's happening

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and then figure out how to ask

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for help yeah or how to ask to have that conversation with my loved ones.

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Oh my God. I love that you say ask for help. There is no weakness in asking for help.

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And something that you said too. All conversations start with ourselves. And sometimes they involve other people.

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But we hold back. We believe context in our head. We make up stories.

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We believe them to be true. Sometimes the stories are true.

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A lot of times the shit isn't true. I mean, I think about times that I was sad

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and depressed and I would sit in bed or sit on my sofa and I would make up all

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these fictitious stories and then I'd leave them to be true.

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And that's how I live my life. life so

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you know when i think of like seconds and minutes and

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hours days and weeks and

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months i'm like am i making good choices

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because how we spend that amount of time in our lives is how we're living our

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life and i just did not want to live a shitty life i did not want to live i

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don't want to live a shitty life i still have to come back to myself every once

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in a while don't get it wrong I got to check in with myself every once in a

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while. Today, I woke up in a sour mood. I told you about the story that I, on my plane and all this other stuff,

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and I woke up really sour. And then I had to go back and have a conversation with my partner,

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Kyle, and I had to apologize for some of my behavior. It's a choice.

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You know, if it is to be, then it's up to me. And I put my finger on my nose.

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I know that you might not be able to see this right now in the podcast,

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but I'm putting my finger on my nose. It says, if it is to be, then it's up to me. I make that choice.

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I make a really good effort to make that choice. And it's not always easy.

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It's not always easy today to try to get out of my funk.

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I mean, I was just at that airport and I was chomping nails and just mad.

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And I thought, what the, what's wrong with you? And you get down in there and

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sometimes you just got to pull your head out of your arse and say,

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okay, I'm going to stop this.

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And when you got a good partner that's with you, listen to them.

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I don't always listen to the person that I love.

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People that come to you and have good stuff, give them the space to listen.

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I have to be really cognizant of that. I kind of listen to the people, you know, who my partner in life that I walk

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with is not always what I think in my head against me. They're really with me.

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And how do we walk in this life together with really good conversations?

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It's not easy. It's not easy. Susan says another quote that I'm going to quote from her book.

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If you ever listen to this, Susan Scott, don't ever get mad because I am quoting you, my dear.

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She said, that which goes unspoken and undealt with normally comes back to haunt

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us as fate. And I'm like, what?

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I got the goosebumps i got the goosebumps do

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i just want fate to have you know i believe

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in destiny i believe in karma and i believe in all that but

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i also have a control over how i show up and how i appear and what i'm doing

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success in love and relationships and at work is an accountability part on me

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too we can push it off on somebody and say that the universe backed up and took a proverbial dump on us.

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Or we can look at it through different lenses and say, it feels a little dumpy.

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It smells a little dumpy. I'm going to make compost out of this and grow flowers. You know,

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it's lemons to lemonade. But it's still not always easy to the person that's there in that moment.

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And I want people to recognize that and understand that. I'm not just saying

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that you just, like a light switch, turn on and off, but you can start gradually.

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You can start gradually with one conversation.

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Good conversations don't normally always just happen all at once. They happen gradually.

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And then suddenly you're like, hey, this isn't so bad, but it takes an effort.

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Yeah. And also takes like taking a big deep breath before you say what you want to say.

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Oh, don't go into it. Don't go into it. Let me tell you, don't go into a conversation

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heated and mad. and throwing grenades. Because when you do that,

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and you've been amygdala hijacked, your limbic brain has literally taken your rational thinking.

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You're talking shit that goes on in your head. You're talking shit that's going

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on in your head, and that shit's coming out of your mouth.

21:04

And I truly believe that. I say that from me to everyone that's listening to

21:09

this with a lot of love. Cool your jets.

21:12

Watch out for your triggers. Tell people about your triggers.

21:16

When you don't want to be triggered, tell people about your triggers.

21:19

Kyle loves to tell me, calm down.

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I am calm. I am calm. Stop it.

21:29

This is my call page. If you don't know who Linda Blair is, look up Linda Blair.

21:33

My head spins around and I'm like, what? Don't tell me to calm down.

21:38

And he's all saying that from a loving standpoint.

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But words matter. Words matter in conversations too. I always say it's a conversation.

21:48

Susan says that in her book. It's C-O-N, con, conversare, to associate with.

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Not versate. Don't versate at somebody because if you're having conversations, you're one-sided.

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It sounds like you're being firehosed, but if you invite somebody to talk with

22:04

you, then the conversation is really better.

22:09

And don't say things like calm down and be quiet. Just...

22:14

Or shut the fuck up and let me talk. Because those are not...

22:21

We're on a hiatus from using that word.

22:24

Hey, it's not my hour to do that, okay? I said an hour a day to do that. It's not today.

22:32

Oh, man. Sometimes it just feels good to say that word. You know,

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I just want people to know if you're going through a hard time.

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And you're struggling, find somebody that you love and trust.

22:45

A fierce conversation is not cat scratching. It's not ugly.

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It's not mean. It's about love and respect and honesty and loyalty.

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And the truth, it's about the truth. And sometimes the truth hurts.

22:56

So don't be mad when the truth hurts. If you're having a conversation and the conversation stings a little bit,

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you're like, damn, think about the reality.

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And if you got to step in front of the mirror and take a good look Look in the

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mirror. God knows I have. I wouldn't want to today. Look at my face.

23:14

I'm a little haggard. But sometimes we need to.

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Sometimes we need to have a good realization. Is the problem me?

23:23

Or is the problem someplace else? And that's accountability.

23:28

Yeah. It's like that metaphorical, like your dog earring that moment.

23:31

That's usually like if me and my husband are getting into a tiff and he says

23:34

something that triggers an emotional response to me instead of,

23:38

you know, saying, shut the fuck up. I will kind of dog ear it. Like I need to come back to that and figure out what that's about.

23:45

Because it's oftentimes not an attack or how I'm interpreting it or what he's saying necessarily.

23:51

But there's something behind that part of the conversation that I need to revisit,

23:56

figure out what's going on. Yeah.

23:59

I think about this even from, you know, from not just a personal standpoint,

24:03

but, you know, at work, the conversation is the relationship.

24:08

Susan says that in her book too. That's not a quote from me. That's from her.

24:12

You know, our conversations are a lot of what our culture is and our organizations

24:16

that we work in and the people that we work with. And if we're frustrated,

24:20

it's not about saying that you did something wrong.

24:23

It's about having the understanding around it. We're all diverse in thought.

24:27

You got to think about so many things. I think about all the people that I work

24:31

with around the world and people that I coach around the world and companies

24:34

that I work with around the world.

24:37

It's not just how we view and see things that's right.

24:40

Right there's so many things that come

24:43

into play with being right context and ethics and morals and values and religions

24:50

and where you brought up and how you view the world whether you were brought

24:53

up you know i'm sure oprah winfrey look at oprah winfrey she was brought up

24:57

very poor and she's a billionaire now how she views the world is differently than somebody who.

25:04

Kardashian no offense to you kim if you're listening to and i'm sure she is

25:09

that her life was a little different than somebody who grew up a different way.

25:14

So context in how we're brought up, I think there's diversity of thought that needs to be brought in.

25:20

But we should respect it all. You know, one of the things, and I'm going to

25:25

get very fierce for a moment. You fierce? Never. Can I be fierce? Can I be fierce with you?

25:31

You know, people say shit like, perception is reality.

25:35

I'm just like, oh, stop. Perception is reality. I think that's the biggest bunch

25:42

of bullshit that there is. If your perception is reality and you want to find out if it's reality,

25:48

then you'll go and interrogate reality with the person that you're talking to, meaning this.

25:55

Don't think that I'm doing something if you don't know. Don't make up a story

25:58

in your head and believe it to be true. And if you really want to know the truth, have a fierce conversation with me.

26:04

Ask me, did I see you texting on your phone over there during the meeting?

26:09

I saw you texting people and I saw you smiling and laughing.

26:13

Well, I actually wasn't texting during the conversation.

26:16

I was taking copious note and I was smiling because all of it resonated with

26:21

me and I thought it was a powerful conversation.

26:25

Do you see where perception and reality get a big disconnect?

26:29

And a lot of times we live our lives, our personal lives, our professional lives,

26:33

just around perception as reality. And I'm like, if you really want to know, go freaking ask, go find out. I saw you texting.

26:44

Were you texting and being crazy on your phone? No, boo, I was taking copious notes.

26:49

Look, I got 16 pages in there in Excel. spreadsheet that I can send to you afterwards.

26:55

But I had a leader literally do that to me one time. And I was like,

26:59

she goes, my perception is that you're not paying attention during this meeting.

27:03

And that's the voice that I hear in my head. You know what I'm saying?

27:06

My perception is that you're not paying attention. I was like,

27:09

well, your perception's wrong. And here's my notes.

27:14

And I think about that in relationships too. Sometimes my perception of Kyle

27:19

is not always the right Kyle that I have in my head.

27:23

And then when I go and I talk to him, he's like, boo, that's not what I, that's not me.

27:28

That's not what I was doing. And I was like, well, my perception that you were

27:31

just being an ass. And he was like, boo, that wasn't being an ass.

27:34

You know what I mean? You ever have that shit happen? Yes. All the time.

27:39

Question, did Daryl ever do that to you? What time is this at?

27:43

I need to make sure we, because... 5.59.

27:45

Okay. And do you ever do that to her? And, you know... You mean Lisa the lesbian? Yeah.

27:51

We do it all the time. We all do that. But I'm like, that needs to stop.

27:56

That's where part of the problem, I think, is really beginning,

28:01

is that we make up the stories, we believe in to be true, and then we never validate it.

28:06

And then sometimes we get passive-aggressive in those conversations too,

28:10

right? Yeah, you had said something earlier.

28:13

I've never been passive-aggressive ever in my life. I don't know what the hell

28:16

you're talking about. Oscar. For me, if I don't, there's one thing I know about myself.

28:22

If I keep that bottled in and just interpret something and then just assume

28:27

that's what it was, and I know that will aid in me developing resentment.

28:32

And once I have resentment, that's a bad place for me.

28:37

So I can't do that. I'm like, I'll ask everybody anything.

28:41

I get that. And that's Susan's quote, that which goes unspoken normally comes back to Honda.

28:47

That's faith. Faith, I'm here in South Florida. I saw a little gecko come in my apartment earlier.

28:54

And I think, where the hell did you go? Because you're probably going to come

28:57

back and hunt me as Godzilla at 3 a.m.

29:00

I need to find this little part before it comes back.

29:04

And I think, do I put it off and ignore it?

29:07

Because it normally is going to come back to hunt me. And I think those are

29:10

conversations and relationships that we have. We think that it's not a big deal.

29:13

We sweep it under the carpet. We have all these things. these things these beautiful things that have trickled

29:19

down from generations to generations it'll come out in the laundry what's the

29:24

one that you've heard like it'll all work its way out it'll all come out the

29:29

yarn will unravel somewhere at the end and then we'll make a sweater of it.

29:34

Yeah it comes out and then you've already made a grave mistake you know either

29:39

through doing waste of text on your phone and accidentally things send.

29:44

Yes! And quit having conversations through text. Thank you.

29:49

Don't have conversations through text and email. It's the worst part. That's awful.

29:55

I sent a conversation the other night to a family member and I was like,

29:59

it was a long... I did my best to be very fierce and kind.

30:05

And I literally got the the K back.

30:09

The link K. And that's the worst. When you, those are, that's,

30:14

you just did, I just did it to myself.

30:16

I sent it, I should have had picked up the phone and had the conversation.

30:19

I sent the text, I got a K back and then I thought,

30:23

Oh, my gosh. And then I was mad. Well, I didn't have the right conversation

30:27

at the right space at the right time. Shame on me. I was part of that. I become an enabler to that bad conversation.

30:35

And then I had to deal with it because for about three days I was pissed off.

30:39

What the F is wrong with you? You're the shitter. And then I literally said,

30:44

oh, my God, there's such a shitter. Well, were they the shitter or was I?

30:49

I don't know. Because I replied back with take. like really

30:53

that's all you have to say is hey i want

30:57

to reach through the phone and grab their neck i i

31:00

know that's awful to say but that's i'm

31:04

being candid in in

31:07

my response and those are where conversations get

31:10

ended so i have to ask you is that

31:13

conversation you had via text and what

31:16

you wrote is that something that you would actually say to their

31:19

face because a lot of times we write shouldn't text

31:22

or an email that you would never say to somebody's face

31:25

well because we haven't grown the go the cojones to

31:28

say it to their face and i will tell you probably yes

31:31

i would have from that text said it to their face i just thought the text was

31:35

an easier way to say it and it wasn't i think sometimes i think you're spot

31:40

on you know sometimes anonymity from the standpoint of a text or an email gives

31:45

us a little bit more power in our thoughts.

31:50

But the person who's picking up and reading that message is reading it the way they hear it.

31:56

So just like I made fun of my leader that said to me, are you looking at that?

32:01

What are you doing over there? You're smiling and you're texting people.

32:04

That's what I hear in my head. She probably did not say it that way. She probably said like,

32:11

what are you doing over there? Are you texting? I see you smiling,

32:14

but in my head, I hear the Wicked Witch of the West.

32:16

So we make that shit up.

32:21

And to anyone, we're like, we put any conversation is emotionally charged. I truly believe that.

32:27

But when we have those conversations that are in text and email,

32:31

we'll add exclamation points and capitalization.

32:35

Stop doing that too. Stop putting things in capitalization. But we put caps

32:39

into things that don't even have caps on it. And you're like,

32:41

exclamation point. And then that's how we respond.

32:44

And I'm like, and have you ever had a conversation where somebody said,

32:48

I just wanted to say, just wanted to give you my piece, my thought story.

32:53

And you're like, damn, well, why was I so, so mean?

32:57

I know. Have you ever had that happen? Yes.

33:00

And then you have to be humble pie and you're embarrassed. You're like,

33:03

well, I thought you was being kind of rude or something.

33:08

Like it can't possibly be me. No, that's exactly right. It can't be me.

33:13

It's my context is right. All conversations are with myself.

33:18

And sometimes they involve other people. And when you don't involve other people,

33:22

Maslow's theory comes to play here.

33:26

Self-actualization. We come up with things, we put them into action,

33:31

we live them, we believe them, and therefore we are.

33:34

That's what I say to people I'm not perfect I don't know anybody who is I won't

33:40

be perfect tomorrow but one of the things that I will tell you is that the guidance

33:45

of Fierce Conversations has allowed me to course correct.

33:50

Highly effective people watch for trends and course correct before arriving

33:54

at an undesired suddenly. And I still have them. I still have undesired suddenlies, but there are fewer

34:01

and far between than what they were before.

34:04

If you think that reading a book or listening to this podcast is going to change

34:08

the trajectory of your life without some type of self-actualization and behavioral

34:13

change on your part, you're setting yourself up for failure.

34:16

I want you to know that. I want you to hear me say that to you.

34:20

It takes dedication. It takes being intentional and it takes work.

34:26

Working hard on yourself is hard. It's never easy.

34:31

If it was easy, we would all be just living hard lives, right?

34:38

But it's not. It takes a lot of work. There's going to be tough days and there's

34:41

going to be bad days and there's going to be really good days.

34:44

But I think that you can change the dichotomy of where that pendulum flows if you're awake.

34:51

If you stay awake and you're intentional.

34:54

And a good life deserves intention.

34:58

Your good life on the shit that goes on in your head deserves intention.

35:05

Meaning, are you yes everyone's

35:08

struggling and everyone deserves a moment to be

35:11

down i get it but are you digging yourself

35:14

up out of that are you dusting your knees

35:17

off i had a woman tell me one time my mentor she said

35:21

to me in life i go i am so far down in this cesspool of life i am just choking

35:27

on literally garbage and she said then pull yourself up out of that garbage

35:35

and she goes And if you're looking for somebody to extend you in a hand,

35:38

I'm here, but don't wait for it. Dig yourself out of that dumpster.

35:43

And I was like, where were you 14 years ago when I needed you?

35:52

Sometimes people just need to hear yourself. It's going to be okay.

35:59

And do you think that those fierce conversations, that's an awesome example

36:05

of self-care and self-love? That is taking care of yourself. Yeah.

36:09

Because if you don't take care of yourself, listen, I sat on a plane today and

36:12

I listened to the Southwest Airline flight attendant. Cute as a button, he was.

36:19

And he said, if you're with a child, you put your oxygen mask on first before

36:25

assisting other people. Wow. To be fierce, you have to put your oxygen mask off on first.

36:32

And if you want to be fierce and help other people, it has to be on their terms.

36:36

You can't coach somebody who doesn't want to be coached. You can't love somebody

36:42

who doesn't want to be loved. You can't inspire somebody who doesn't want to be inspired.

36:49

Pick and choose your battle. Stop wasting time on people who don't want to have

36:55

the goodness that you're going for. And sometimes that means severing relationships for now.

37:00

Doesn't mean that they can't be cultivated and grown back. But I've had to say

37:04

to people before in my life, even through fierce conversations,

37:08

come back to me when you're ready. I'm here. I'm here. I'm ready.

37:13

But I can't do this anymore. And that's how fierce these can be.

37:18

You know, you got to self, there's self-preservation. And I believe in that.

37:22

But don't let it be a one-sided self-preservation where you just cocoon yourself

37:27

or you armor up for battle against people.

37:31

Armor up for your goodness to people.

37:35

There's a difference. I'm going into battle in this conversation.

37:40

I'm ready to be fierce. Well, you're doing it the wrong way, boo.

37:44

Armor up to be kind and gentle and good and caring.

37:48

That's the good armor that you want to have. Anybody can be nasty and gross

37:52

and mean. We can all do that. That's easy.

37:55

But when we dig down below the surface of what's infecting us in the relationship

38:01

and we course correct, and that's where the power of potential lies.

38:06

But I do believe that sometimes relationships sometimes need to be severed. They need to be ended.

38:12

It doesn't always mean that it's bad. It just means I've chosen to go my way

38:16

and I wish you well and I love you. But maybe I like you. My mom said that to me one time. She told me,

38:22

she said to me, she goes, Regent, I love you so much.

38:25

And this was that cantankerous time in our lives. And remember her saying,

38:28

I love you so much. I will always be here for you.

38:32

But today I do not like you. And it's okay not to be liked in that moment.

38:37

But if you want a relationship to be lasting, you want a work relationship to

38:41

be lasting, then put in the effort to make it last.

38:46

If it is to be, then it's up to me. it really is

38:49

yeah and you have to have those

38:52

conversations otherwise what are

38:56

we doing there's something you said where it's like is this how i want to live

39:01

my life are these is this how i want to spend my time and my energy and if the

39:05

relationship is worth it then you have that conversation yeah i'll put the work

39:09

in out of seattle there they have pike's place fish market Okay.

39:13

So here's a little plug for Susan in Seattle. I'm really plugging Seattle today.

39:19

Ice Place Fish Market. You ever been? Yes.

39:23

They play, they have fun. But there is a philosophy. It says,

39:27

choose your attitude, make their day, play and have fun.

39:30

And these people who schlep ice around and stinky fish, this man,

39:34

there was a guy on a video and he was like, yeah, I got up and he smelled like

39:38

he smoked like 12 packs of cigarettes. I get up and I work at 4 a.m.

39:42

And I schlep ice all around. I deal with stinky fish, but every day I choose my attitude.

39:46

And I'm like, that's what I want to be around.

39:50

That's where I want to embrace my life. My dad used to say to me,

39:55

and God rest his soul, he's been gone for five years, but I hear his voice emphatically in my head.

40:01

He said that if you lay with dogs, you're going to get fleas. Pick your pack.

40:07

I love that. And that, what I try to do every day, you know,

40:12

I love just about everyone. There's some people that I, unfortunately, that love relationship isn't there.

40:20

But the majority of the people I try to love and give kindness and grace.

40:25

Gretchen, I always think of Greg Toronto. And Greg Toronto, if you ever listen

40:29

to this podcast, I'm giving a shout out to you.

40:33

And he said this, and I listened to him as a mentor to him, he said,

40:37

Regent, just err on the side of grace and that will help you with your conversation.

40:46

You know? Yeah. Yeah, I know. That's like my favorite word. You got to give

40:51

not only other people grace, but yourself grace.

40:55

I love it. Yeah. Wow. What an awesome conversation in just such a short time period.

41:02

You all are mad. I know. Unicorns.

41:07

They don't call you Skittles for nothing, girl.

41:12

I know, right? Yeah, I can't believe we're here.

41:15

I mean, thank you, Regent. This has been... I mean, I will fangirl after this.

41:19

I'm going to go upstairs to tell my husband. I just talked to Dr. Regent. Are you going to ask me any of your crazy questions?

41:27

I do. Oh, God, ask away. If I don't get the answer, I will make up something.

41:33

No, these are like the brain-tingly ones.

41:36

So, Regent today, Regent now. If you could go back in time to a younger version

41:42

of yourself and give yourself a fierce conversation, what would you say?

41:47

And at what age would you travel back to?

41:50

It's so funny. I had something come up on my Facebook the other day. It was me in Honduras.

41:56

And I did a little stint with a wellness program in Honduras where we inoculated kids.

42:02

And I see this little boy who is 19 years, 18 years old, and he's feeding a monkey.

42:08

And I said, I would whisper in his ear, be fierce, go into it brave,

42:14

and never have any remorse and regret.

42:17

I had not come out at that time. I'm probably gay. I am who I am.

42:21

I was suffering at that time, but I would tell that young man in that picture

42:26

as I looked at it and whisper in his ear, be your true authentic self,

42:33

and carpe diem, seize the day. I think I seized the day.

42:38

I think sometimes I was scared of seizing the day, but damn,

42:41

I probably would have seized it even more. I just would have taken life by the cojones and just did.

42:47

And I think I did a darn good job back then too with what I had and where I had it.

42:52

But man, would I wrap my arms around him and just give him love.

42:56

Things were different back then coming out. This is back in 1990.

43:02

Age was at its highest. Wait, you're gay? I had no idea. You're gay?

43:07

I had no idea. Oh, girl, please.

43:10

I opened up my mouth and a purse falls out. What the hell?

43:17

But I would tell that young man just stand

43:21

by proud and strong and I

43:24

think I have but I would have whispered that in his ear and gave him even more

43:29

inspiration to be as good as he could be and I think I've done a pretty darn

43:35

good job in my life but I I would have really wrapped my arms around him and loved him hard. Yeah.

43:44

What lesson are you looking forward to learning in the future?

43:50

God, what retirement feels like. Fuck. Yeah. Do you have plans?

43:54

Oh, I do. I have big plans. You know, I don't think I'll ever like retire, retire.

44:00

I just think that we all need to be challenged and stimulated.

44:03

I have so much that I have on. I have a book that needs to be written.

44:07

I have, I am a PCC. I'm a coach. I'm a life coach.

44:11

You can find me on LinkedIn. You want to talk to me? I'm a PCC.

44:15

I want to coach people in their life journey. I want to coach people in their

44:19

professionalism. Right now with my full-time job, it doesn't always allow me to do that.

44:23

But I want to be that when I grow up. And I just want to do that at a pace that's sustainable to me.

44:32

I feel like sometimes I have my foot on the gas pedal going about 100 miles an hour.

44:37

And I'm ready to take that down to at least 95.

44:41

Just a little. Five miles makes a difference. You ask any speed.

44:44

It sure does. Ask a police officer.

44:47

Five miles makes a difference. It sure does.

44:50

Durex, do you want to ask your infamous? What do you do for self-care?

44:54

So my question for you, Regent, is what do you do for self-care and self-love on a daily basis?

45:00

You know, I believe in writing things down of gratitude. I have a notebook. Okay.

45:08

And I've got one here. And you're not seeing it on film, but I have one here.

45:15

And I write down things of gratitude every day that I'm happy for.

45:21

Sometimes I miss a day. Sometimes, most of the time I don't,

45:23

but I write things down that I'm really happy and grateful for.

45:27

I work out. There is cortisol in our body. Get it out of your system, work out.

45:32

Even if you go for a 30 minute walk or a 15 minute walk, get off your arse and

45:36

get the shit out of your head. Go for a walk, eat healthy, drink water, and just be kind.

45:43

I try to find myself being kind to someone.

45:47

Even today, the woman at the airport, the flight person, rearranged my flight. She did it.

45:53

And then I walked back up to the counter and I said, afterwards,

45:56

I was getting on my flight and I said, thank you so much for just treating me

46:00

kind and getting me back on this flight because I had screwed up my flights.

46:04

And she goes, no problem. She goes, hardly anybody comes back up and says thank you like that again.

46:08

And I thought, well, okay, I'm a little different. I'm a different bird.

46:13

Be the different bird. Be that person.

46:17

Stop doing random acts of kindness and paying for coffee for people behind you.

46:21

Take coffee to a homeless person. Do something, random act of kindness for somebody who really needs it instead of behind you.

46:26

There's nothing wrong with buying somebody coffee behind you.

46:29

I mean, I get that. I want to sound like a curmudgeon, but do a random act of

46:33

kindness outside of the scope of somebody who might need it as opposed to somebody

46:37

who really desperately needs it. Yeah. I love that.

46:42

I love you, Regent. We love you. Oh my God, I love you too. We needed this.

46:49

I know. Hi all, thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

46:55

And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

47:00

We'd love to listen to your feedback.

47:02

We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay.

47:09

Music.