0:00

Oh you know what i was you know what i was just thinking is that we should um

0:03

you know let everybody know that this is our anniversary episode too yeah i

0:09

didn't get you anything i you know what i didn't get you anything either i got you um,

0:16

perrier here oh you got me some perrier let me know and i'll yeah and i'll grab

0:20

any little baby bottles down and i got you i got you a coffee mug like how does

0:26

this fucking work because I didn't know. It's completely opposite, bud.

0:29

Music.

0:46

Okay, cool. Let's do it. All right. Ready? I can't with you right now. All right. Ready?

0:53

Are you good now? You're stretching out. Three two one welcome

1:01

back to another episode of shit that goes on

1:04

in our heads i am g-rex and my awesome partner in crime dirty skittles i'm dirty

1:12

skills she is dirty skittles and we are super excited this is our anniversary

1:17

episode we went live a full year ago and now a A full year ago.

1:22

A full year ago. Can you imagine that? It's been a full year. This will be episode number 50-something.

1:30

Yeah, 50-something. 50-something. 52, I think.

1:36

52. 50, no. So still a baby. Still a baby. Still a baby. Older than you are. So tell me.

1:43

Well, yeah. That's true, because I'm 18.

1:48

I'm legal. You know, learning every day. And I'm 30. So, you know, it's all good.

1:59

My body doesn't think so, but in my head, I'm 30.

2:05

Yeah, I mean, I think mentally I am probably 54.

2:12

Yeah, and I regressed. So like my true age is 60 and my mental is I'm in my early 50s again.

2:22

I mean, I'm in a really good headspace.

2:26

Yeah, a year ago, what would you say your mental was? What was the age mentally? Like 150,000.

2:32

Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. So you think before you felt older?

2:37

Older, more drained. You know, life came and bit me in the ass in like the hardest

2:44

way I've ever been through.

2:48

That year was probably even harder than the year my mom passed away because

2:52

I just had a lot of shit I was dealing with.

2:55

And I was so busy taking care of everybody else's needs. I wasn't taking care of my own.

3:00

And so you were exhausted. I was exhausted.

3:05

Mentally exhausted physically exhausted too

3:08

because i wasn't sleeping right i wasn't eating right i

3:12

was short with people and i

3:16

was i was in a fog i was in this horrible fucking brain fog and you know i i

3:22

honestly think i had to go through all that though to be where i am today and

3:26

i i'm extremely fortunate you know but i also had to do a lot of work i had

3:32

to put a lot of work into myself and my own mental health,

3:35

and I had to make myself a priority,

3:38

which was something that I was not used to doing, right?

3:41

Being an empath, I'm so used to taking care of everybody else's crap that taking

3:46

care of my own crap was something I didn't even think about, right?

3:50

I just kept shoving it in the back and being like, oh, yeah,

3:52

things are going to be fine. And then, you know, Christmas Day 2022 rolls around and I'm like, I'm fucking done.

4:00

Like mentally fucking done. And also I can say is, you know,

4:05

thank God, you know, some guardian angel, you know, had me call 988.

4:10

My wife was home and I got therapy the very next day.

4:15

But I don't think that if I think part of me, too, is like, you know,

4:19

maybe there is something better on the other side of this.

4:23

Yeah. You had hope still somewhere. I had a tiny glimmer of hope,

4:27

but I mean, it was a lot of shit. it.

4:30

Like that quarter, you know, my wife had gotten shingles.

4:35

I decided to retire early for my job. I got catfished. I hit and killed a deer.

4:41

I had a good friend die. My father-in-law passed away.

4:45

You know, throw in some seasonal depression and then throw in some holiday depression.

4:49

And then it was colder than fucking balls here, right? It was like minus 20.

4:54

And that that whole weekend of Christmas, like none of our cars would start because it was so cold.

4:59

And like, I just, I couldn't take it anymore. Like I just, I couldn't find my

5:03

voice and I couldn't find my footing. And I just couldn't tell anybody what was going on because I didn't know how

5:08

to do it. But, you know, that call to 988 literally saved my life.

5:13

And it was the glimmer of hope that pushed you to make the call or?

5:17

Yeah, because, you know, a little piece of me, like thought maybe something will change.

5:23

Maybe something will get better and like i

5:26

said you know the very next day i was in in therapy and

5:30

then i was calling you every day and i

5:33

you know i started like sharing my story my journey on social media and because

5:40

i want people to feel as alone in their own journey as i felt mine right like

5:44

i didn't know i know how to express what was going on inside of my head you

5:49

know, shit that goes on in our head. I didn't know how to express that because I'd never felt that depressed before.

5:56

And letting people know kind of where I was in my life, I had heard back from

6:02

people on social media thanking me because now they don't feel alone, right?

6:06

Because everybody's going through their own shit at some point in their life.

6:09

And then I also found just by laughing, I felt so much better if I laughed.

6:14

And some of those early conversations with you, I mean, I mean,

6:18

we talked about shit that you shouldn't really talk about, but we laughed really, really hard.

6:24

I mean, I think you should talk about everything. So for me,

6:26

I'm like, let's keep talking. But can I just take a step back? And maybe this is just my interpretation of

6:33

what you just said, but your small glimmer of hope and then you sharing your

6:39

story on social media may have...

6:46

Like ignited somebody else's small glimmer of hope

6:48

and made it a little bit bigger do you know what i mean i i yeah

6:52

i do not i do know what you mean i you know

6:55

i want my story to be a story of hope right because life

6:58

on this side of depression is a billion times better than i ever thought it

7:03

would be and um you know i i've learned new i have like new tools and new tips

7:09

and tricks to to help people like get to that other side, even if it's just a baby step, right?

7:16

And one of the things I did learn is that I need to take better care of myself.

7:20

My self-love and my self-care and my boundaries are super important to me now.

7:25

And I wish that I had learned those lessons like 20 years ago.

7:28

I think that my life would have been better, you know, sooner rather than later.

7:34

And, you know, hindsight is 20-20. But, you know, there's so much to life. And, you know, the things that have

7:42

happened since then, I'm eternally grateful for.

7:45

Like, I've had some of the craziest things happen, but in a good way,

7:50

right? Like, our podcast has taken off.

7:54

I'm working my dream job. I get to spend time with my wife. I travel to Europe for three weeks.

8:02

And I get to talk to you, like, every day.

8:05

Yeah. It's fun. It is fun. And we hear from our guests all the time of like

8:11

how therapeutic it is for them to talk in the mic.

8:15

For me, it's easier for me to like share my story over a microphone than it

8:21

is face to face. Because I get a little embarrassed, right?

8:24

Because none of you, no one knew how depressed I was.

8:28

Because on the outside, I was smiling and happy and hopeful.

8:33

And on the inside, I'm beating the crap out of myself every single day.

8:37

And all I wanted to do was die. I just...

8:42

Physically and mentally, I was just done.

8:46

And thank God for therapy. I am a huge proponent for therapy. I still go.

8:52

And just hearing my therapist tell me how much I've grown, my friends, my wife, my family.

8:59

You don't automatically get healed, though, by going to therapy.

9:03

You have to put the work in. And that's what I did. I put the work in every single

9:07

whole day and yes i still get depressed but now i

9:10

have tools and like tips and tricks on how to

9:13

make myself feel better and one of those

9:16

is laughter if i can make myself laugh i

9:18

can have somebody else make me laugh i instantly can come out of that and and

9:25

think about you know what are my next steps and i'm i'm also found that like

9:30

i don't get pissed off about shit as much as i used to anymore like something

9:33

will happen and you know two years ago i probably would have stood you've done it for like five days.

9:39

Now something happens. I sit on it for like 20 minutes. I'm like,

9:42

okay, well, we need to come up with another plan.

9:45

And, and when my wife sees that, she's like, the fuck are you?

9:50

You were never like this way. And I'm like, I have a short man. You know, I have a lot of living to do in

9:56

the short amount of time I have left. Right. I'm 60.

10:00

I don't want to, you know, I don't really want to live until I'm 90.

10:04

Cause if the, you know, if my body's gonna hurt then as much as it does now

10:08

yeah psa to parents out there like if your kids are in sports right now i don't

10:13

maybe take care of their physical health a little bit because the shit you do

10:17

as a child comes back to haunt you, In the worst ways. Arthritis sucks.

10:25

It does. Arthritis sucks. It makes things creak that you didn't think are supposed to creak.

10:32

Yeah. So besides the podcast, what brings you joy in your day-to-day?

10:38

Spending time with my wife. Because right now I'm working 30 hours a week.

10:43

So I pop out of work at either like 3 or 4 in the afternoon.

10:48

Afternoon and we get to do stuff right before it's dark outside.

10:52

Spending time with her friends, you know, exploring upstate New York, right?

10:58

Things that we never really did.

11:00

We don't do it so much in the wintertime because the roads are slick and I don't

11:05

really want to drive in the snow. The other things are, you know, writing. I'm

11:09

doing a lot of writing lately and something I

11:13

hadn't hadn't done in like forever I think

11:15

I wrote when I was a kid but now I'm doing a lot of writing and

11:18

getting a lot of mental clarity around stuff the

11:22

other thing I've been doing is you know trying to help

11:25

my wife around with like projects in the house you know

11:28

using our tools she still gets a tiny bit afraid because you know we all know

11:33

I have really tiny hands right and so I can't really rip can't rip the big tools

11:39

and like I can't help like if you have to stand on a ladder I have to stand

11:43

on a ladder that's like three times taller than her ladder you know.

11:49

Seems to be short but I'm also

11:52

finding that by doing like little small projects

11:55

around the house like for the for the last probably two years you know I lived

12:00

in clutter and now I'm I've started like cleaning up my space like I used to

12:05

get mad and you know my wife would be like you need to clean your office and

12:08

I'm like everything's got a place don't fucking move it but now I like look look at my office.

12:13

I'm like, fuck, I can't work in this anymore, right? Because now that my head's

12:17

cleared, I need my space cleared too.

12:20

And so I take 15 minutes a day and I clean like one section of my office and

12:25

then 15 minutes a day and I do one section of my bedroom.

12:29

Like I've gotten rid of so much shit.

12:31

It's like carrying around this extra baggage. Like why the fuck did I do that?

12:36

And if I think about the extra baggage in my head, it's all that baggage.

12:42

Why do you keep reminding yourself about the bad shit, right?

12:47

Remind yourself about the good shit. Because you can't go back and change the past.

12:51

No matter what you do, there's not a fucking time machine for that.

12:56

I have now, you know, worked on, I'm working on living for the future or living

13:02

for the moment, because those are the things that are most important to me is

13:06

living for that moment, because you never really know what's going to happen tomorrow.

13:10

Is there, is there anything that's helped you live in the moment.

13:15

A tool or practice you didn't have before?

13:18

One of the things I do is I take notice of the smaller, the small things, right? Right.

13:24

Like, let's say our cats do something stupid, but in something that I hadn't

13:29

paid attention to before or something's happening on TV or I'm out in nature and living for that.

13:39

You know, it's something that you don't see. Like the other day when the squirrel

13:43

took a tumble down the hill. OK, so I laughed. OK, whatever.

13:48

But it was funny. And, you know, things that if you're really paying attention

13:53

to what's going on around you, you see things that you hadn't seen before,

13:57

like the way a certain person smiles or the way something smells.

14:03

I've been like paying attention to like how things feel or how things smell,

14:08

because those bring, they trigger like really good memories, right? Right.

14:13

And if it triggers a bad memory, I try and like I give it like two minutes and

14:18

then it's time to move on. Right. Because a memory is just a memory. Right. You can't go back and change it.

14:25

But what you can do is with that memory, you can change the trajectory of what

14:31

that memory reminds you of. Did it remind you of something good, something bad? So that's kind of what I've been doing.

14:38

That's good. It's good to be mindful. So let me ask you a question.

14:43

G-Rex a year ago was just starting therapy? Just starting therapy.

14:48

If you could tell that version of yourself something that you've learned along

14:53

the way as it relates to just starting therapy, what would you say? Love yourself more.

15:00

Self-love should be your number one thing.

15:05

You need to take care of of yourself and we all

15:08

say it you need to put your own oxygen mask on

15:12

first before you give it

15:15

to somebody else being being the person

15:18

i was being the empath that i was i was

15:21

always giving that oxygen mask to somebody

15:24

else before i put it on myself now i'm

15:27

the first person man i don't care what happens you know

15:30

what mask is going on i can

15:32

breathe fine i take that like two or

15:35

three minutes i'm like you know deep breaths i can't

15:38

meditate though because i don't know like i'm

15:41

a squirrel on crack okay i'll sit

15:44

down i'll try and meditate and like

15:47

all of a sudden like 50,000 things coming to

15:50

my head so i can't do i can't do the

15:53

meditation or the mindfulness in our

15:56

traditional way so for me i'll write it

15:59

down and so i journal about what what's

16:02

going on so i can can go back and kind of reflect on

16:05

okay so we had this shitty thing happen but you know look at what I did for

16:10

myself to make the situation better and that's helped immensely okay that's

16:17

good that's good I remember um being excited for you because therapy helped

16:22

me so much that I was just waiting.

16:26

To see how much it would help you. It's amazing.

16:31

You know, like my therapist said, it was, you know, I was in like a cocoon state.

16:36

And then, you know, once I finally like retired, right, mini retirement,

16:43

then I started emerging from that cocoon.

16:46

And now I'm like this beautiful butterfly, right? And I see myself as that butterfly.

16:53

And it's like a butterfly of hope. and nurturing and

16:58

self-love self-care and setting

17:01

up some serious fucking boundaries like setting

17:05

up those boundaries has probably been the best

17:07

thing i've ever done right and if

17:11

it smells like drama i don't deal with it very much anymore and i

17:14

i wish it had those lessons even

17:18

five years ago right because you know

17:21

we we get into situations and not

17:24

just our our personal life but in our work life too and

17:28

we absorb absorb absorb but like what are we getting out of that we're getting

17:32

ulcers we're getting pissed off you know and we don't just take it out on the

17:38

people we work with but we take it out on the people that you know we live with

17:42

and that's not something we We should be doing,

17:46

you know, living in that moment means that I'm going to take care of whatever

17:51

that shit is right now so that it doesn't get carried with me for the rest of

17:57

the day. And sometimes I can't do it right away.

18:01

But I can write it down and tackle it in little chunks.

18:08

So that's what I've been finding. But for you, Darius Skittles,

18:13

what have you seen in me, my change? And let's just say the last six months.

18:20

You're happier. I'm happier?

18:23

Yeah, you're happier. I think before, it's interesting because if I was to ignore

18:30

this year, right? Right. And pretend like none of this happened.

18:34

You were really good at wearing a happy costume, right?

18:40

And almost like now when I think about it, almost going out of your way to wear the costume.

18:46

And without knowing the genuine happy version of you now, nobody would have

18:53

ever known otherwise. Otherwise, because there was no difference, right?

18:57

We're wearing this costume as the happy person.

19:01

So I think it came across as she's a happy person.

19:05

And now seeing you almost more healed and self-aware and wiser, almost.

19:13

There's a genuine happy. And it's not a costume. It's almost like it's coming

19:21

from inside out versus just on the front, you know?

19:25

And, you know, it's funny because I can feel it on the inside too, right?

19:29

You know, before, like a year ago, like I couldn't feel happy inside,

19:33

you know, because I kept all that horrible self-talk.

19:37

You're a piece of shit. Your life sucks. You're never going to get anywhere.

19:41

What's it? Why the fuck are you retiring? You don't have a job.

19:44

All that stuff was like coming out. But now...

19:49

Learning that you know journaling helps therapy helps like don't be you know

19:55

don't let people talk you out of going to therapy there's all sorts of different

19:59

kinds of therapy out there I actually had to go through three different therapists

20:02

before I found the therapist that worked for me yeah that's the thing I don't

20:06

think people maybe not everybody realizes,

20:10

because it and I say that because I didn't realize that either in my journey

20:15

to get through Through things that I needed to get through. I.

20:21

It took. Two therapists.

20:25

You know. Like I had done the therapy route. I had a therapist.

20:29

We talked about the things that I wanted to talk about. And I just was like.

20:34

I guess I'm supposed to do a worksheet. And be alright now. And I didn't feel any.

20:42

Like there was no help from it. Right. So I thought well I'm destined or doomed to.

20:47

This is my life is depression, right? Like that is just the kind of person I

20:52

am. Some people are happy and I'm not right. And then I tried it again because I needed it.

20:58

I knew that, okay, I've got nothing left to give. Let's try this again.

21:07

And I just

21:10

happened to get the right one and she was amazing

21:13

yeah and you know like so

21:16

that's the other lesson is just don't don't give up

21:19

if it's if that therapist is not working out for

21:22

you find another therapist there's and

21:25

there's so many different types of therapies out there right

21:28

now that hopefully you'll find the one that

21:31

works for you i found the one that works for me i i

21:34

do a couple of different therapies right so i do journaling that's

21:37

a therapy for me i talk to somebody that's therapy

21:40

for me laughter is therapy for

21:43

me uh just keeping my you

21:46

know keeping my endorphins up uh if

21:50

i find that i'm like too sedentary because

21:53

you know it does get pretty cold up here in upstate new

21:56

york and makes me not want to go outside so i'll

21:59

climb the stairs a couple of extra times during the day just

22:02

to keep my heart rate going but don't give

22:05

up on yourself because you can't find

22:08

that right therapist or that right therapy there's

22:12

so many different avenues out there keep working

22:15

on yourself because as long as you make yourself happy it's going to be it's

22:21

going to make that healing journey a lot easier and like for me i didn't drink

22:28

from like january until april i started drinking again in April when I took.

22:33

My three-week retirement party.

22:37

But then, you know, I found that just by allowing my body to physically and

22:43

mentally heal by putting that work into myself, I was a much better person.

22:50

But it was hard to come to that because at my age, you know,

22:54

we were taught that you never talk about your mental health.

22:58

You shove that down until there is no fucking other place for it to go.

23:03

And that's where I got. that's what came about on that

23:07

christmas day is like the the

23:10

cold snap that we had was really the

23:12

last fucking straw right because our cars didn't

23:15

start older than hell our pipes

23:19

froze and i was like what the fuck

23:22

else is gonna happen and you

23:26

know i don't know who my guardian angel is or was

23:29

it could have been my mom it could have been my grandma it could have

23:32

been anybody buddy but they gave me

23:35

that tiny glimmer of hope that i needed to

23:38

get to this side and i'm so fucking thankful

23:42

for it because my life right now is amazing i'm so thankful for you dirty skittles

23:49

for my wife for my family for my friends give me the opportunity to show up

23:55

as myself every Every fucking day.

23:59

Sure. And now you're making me cry. And I was trying not to fucking cry. I'm not doing anything.

24:04

Trying not to cry. I'm just chilling. I'm just chilling. I think it's.

24:09

Yeah, I think. I think it's great that you're sharing your story.

24:13

And it's just going to keep building.

24:16

You know, this isn't the end. This is just part of your journey.

24:21

And there are going to be lessons that we'll continue to learn in life.

24:24

Life and new things and tools that will.

24:28

We'll learn as well to cope with that stuff. So yeah, even, I mean,

24:32

I, I, for me, I needed the therapy.

24:35

I'm a huge cheerleader for it.

24:38

There's a couple of other things that you said that I'm like,

24:41

I think that's great too. Like the journaling, getting outside of your space, go outside,

24:47

go up and down the stairs. If it's too cold, you got to do something because giving Giving up is not the option.

24:54

No. You know, and if I look back on it, you know, I have so many people in my

25:00

life that love me for who I am.

25:03

Not what I am, but who I am. And it took a really long time.

25:07

It took me probably until July of 2023 to start seeing myself the way that the

25:14

rest of the world sees me, right? As a caring, fun person. do you think it's like not necessarily seeing yourself

25:22

like the rest of the world sees you but feeling the happy like because i saw

25:27

you as happy right yeah now now you're believing it.

25:32

I am and it took a long time right like i i'm sure i've been depressed you know

25:39

most of my life but man i'm telling you when life hit me like kicked me in the

25:44

balls in october through december it was a true awakening, right?

25:51

And I probably have needed therapy my entire life.

25:55

But I'm a huge proponent for it, right? And find shit that works for you.

26:00

And talk to your friends, talk to your family, try to find your voice,

26:04

try to find your footing. As hard as it is, because I honestly, that was the hardest thing for me.

26:13

Journal, take notes. For caregivers out there, if you notice that,

26:18

you know, your partner, your friend, your co-worker is a little withdrawn,

26:22

maybe more tired than usual, a little snippy, check in on them.

26:27

Check in on your friends, your family, your co-workers, because everybody's

26:34

going through their own shit, right? And you don't really know what they're going through.

26:38

And just be fucking kind, people. Really, just be nice to each other.

26:43

Because your words hurt

26:46

words hurt actions hurt be honest

26:49

don't be an asshole when you're being right take consideration

26:52

what either you threw or what they may be going because you just

26:55

don't you know no none of my co-workers knew

26:58

my family had no idea and the problem

27:01

was I didn't know how to verbalize what the

27:03

hell was going on because I couldn't even figure it out yeah

27:07

what gave you the words therapy my therapist

27:11

gave me tips on how to

27:13

like verbalize what i was going through so

27:16

now if i can't find the words like to

27:19

verbalize it i write it down because then i can go back in and read it and figure

27:25

out the way that i want to verbalize that to to someone right whether it be

27:30

my wife my family my friends my co-workers my neighbors right i'm also finding

27:36

that just just smiling, right? Smiling, I don't know, all of a sudden just kind of makes you happy on the inside, right?

27:42

Even if you're feeling crappy or a little low, just smile.

27:46

A trick that you taught me too was, you know, start taking pictures of things

27:51

that make you happy every day. And then on your sad days, go back and look at those pictures.

27:56

And so I started doing that because Because I like to take pictures of all sorts of crazy shit.

28:03

But it triggers a happy memory and it can help kick me out of that mood.

28:08

See, you taught me something. You know, credit to my therapist.

28:18

I wonder if I could give her a shout out. No, it's okay. So what's next?

28:23

What's next? So what are you looking forward to? Anything that you're going

28:27

to try out new or I don't know. Yeah, so I'm finishing up my book.

28:33

Just about my experience, my tips, my tricks. things to help,

28:37

you know, caregivers, co-workers, friends, or people who were just feeling lost in the moment.

28:44

I am going to continue working my three-hour-a-week job, loving that.

28:50

I have started to think about like some different conferences that I'm going

28:56

to attend over the next couple of years, things that for creators.

29:01

I never really thought that I was a creator until

29:04

till we started this podcast and our message

29:07

is so good and people love what we what we're doing and

29:10

they love to hear from us so maybe taking

29:13

that to the next level spending time with my wife

29:16

you know as we get older we want to see and

29:19

do things why we're still physically able to do

29:22

it without having one of us push the other in a wheelchair I

29:25

mean not that that would stop us but like I

29:28

need need to go back to the gym so i could like you know

29:31

get a little beefier so i could do that if i

29:34

had to but um just bringing joy i want to bring joy to people's lives i want

29:41

to smile more live more i've i've found that over the last six to eight months

29:50

that i'm living more i live in that that moment.

29:53

And I really have to credit Liz, God rest her soul.

29:58

Her episode changed so much for my life.

30:02

It puts so much into perspective. Like now we actually have our wills and our

30:07

trust done and, you know, have a little peace of mind around that and seeing new places,

30:13

even if it's just like 20 minutes out from where I live right now and not taking

30:18

life for granted because you you never know what tomorrow holds. Love them.

30:25

Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

30:30

And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

30:35

We'd love to listen to your feedback.

30:38

We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay.

30:43

Music.